and we're done.

Nursing that is.  It's over.  I realized a few days ago that Bjørn hadn't nursed in a while.  Days actually.  He just stopped, and... I didn't even notice!  On the one hand, I was relieved.  This was something I wanted, you know, something I had initiated myself.  But on the other hand, I was broken.  I had missed the ending of this special bond with my son, and it broke my heart.  One of my favorite parts of being a mom so far was over, and... I didn't even realize it.

So, I decided I needed to create my own last time, so that I could enjoy each moment of my son's sweet breath, his cuddles, and his need for only me.  I offered, one last time, and he was happy to accept.  We cuddled and he nursed, and I stared into his eyes and savored his perfect fit until he wouldn't sit still one more minute.  I really didn't want this to end. Yet, I did.  Such an odd feeling of relief and misery.  Black and white at the same time.  Happy and sad.

Ultimately I am so grateful for this journey that we have taken.  I have loved every minute of it.  Every pain, every inconvenience, every discomfort... every experience of joy and satisfaction and of what being truly needed feels like.  I have loved it all.  And as happy as I am to be done, for now...  I am already so excited for this relationship to begin again with baby #2 this fall!!

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