fighting my demons... aka the Terrible Twos Threes!

Sometimes I just can't even believe how angry my little toddler/preschooler can make me.

He pushes my buttons more than anyone ever has in my life, and as much joy as he brings me every day...  he also brings out the absolute worst in me.

I really never thought I had a problem with anger, or losing my temper, until Bjørn came along.

He is fiery, passionate, emotional, more stubborn than I am...  if that's even possible...  and now he is 3.  Terrible 2's were nothing compared to this...

Seriously.  Whoever coined the term "the terrible twos" obviously did not have a 3 year old yet.

I was unprepared for this experience and totally overcome.

Somedays I just want to run away.

Sometimes I want to disappear and come back when my little 3 year old is older and not so difficult. When he is potty-trained and sleeping regularly and listening at least some of the time...

Sometimes I just feel lost.

But I know that I am not alone.  I am not the only one who struggles.

I am not the only one who screams.

I absolutely love my little family and being a mom and I can't imagine my life being any different...  (although I'd maybe take 'easier' sometimes!) 

Yes... most days, I think we are doing pretty good if we are all still alive and breathing at the end of the day!  (Bonus points if one or all of us is not in tears by that point!)

Sometimes I look at my little handful angel and my heart just aches with so much love I can hardly breathe.  But other times I look at him and the world turns red!

Then I look at my sweet little baby Haakon (who's not so much of a baby these days!) and can't imagine that I will ever feel this frustrated with him.  And of course I realize that he will also be 3 someday!   And the cycle will start all over again.

Is it difficult?  Yes.  Painful??  Yes!  Necessary?!  Absolutely!

See, the thing is...  I really believe, as painful as it is sometimes (ok, most of the time), that God gives us the children we have to refine us.

The same ones who bring out the worst in us are also the ones who can help us find that place of wanting and trying to better ourselves.

They expose our worst traits and our deepest fears leaving us with no choice but to deal with the pain instead of stuffing it away.

Do I like seeing my demons surface?  Do I like feeling out of control... so full of anger and frustration that I can't even think straight??

Of course not!

But I do like knowing that these things exist inside of me, so that I can work on them now instead of 30 years from now.

It breaks my heart that Bjørn, my firstborn, has to bear the brunt of my pain, frustration, refining and learning...  but I pray every day that we will make it through this as a team, and that we will both be stronger people at the end.

All I can do is take things one moment at at time...  and pray for strength constantly!

I can tell you one thing for sure though...  I am getting pretty good at apologizing when I screw up.

And thankfully, Bjørn is great at forgiving and forgetting!  (Something I definitely need to work on better myself!)

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